I want me some JT/Barney Stinson NOW, AKA LIKE YESTERDAY

The whole media/culture constellation in Krautland is wack.

I mean, there's the whole GEZtapo thing, which is now attempting to market itself as a "service" rather than a fucking tax that people don't get to vote on democratically (as if voting ever made a super duper difference anyway). Though I have a whole lot I could say about the Geztap... *ahem* Beitragsservice, today (like every day) my beef is with GEMA.*

I hate GEMA because it makes me feel disconnected with the coolness out on the world wide web. Also because it's frustrating to hear about how something is "all the rave", but then find out that you are not able to partake in said rave.

So, today I was watching sxephil on YouTube again (Dear GEMA: Block him and it's over. For realsies.), and he had a video which ever so hinted at the awesomeness of Suit & Tie.

Alas, what did I find?

Oh, yeah.

Normally Clipfish solves most of my problems if I'm trying to find an original video of something embarrassingly awesome (which is even more embarrassing judging by the fact something so awesome only has 35K hits -- awesome website, brah), but there's no official video of Suit & Tie on there yet. Probably because someone at Clipfish is in bed with someone at GEMA, and one of those someones hasn't finished pulling out and washing up in order to upload the fucking video yet.


I hate feeling so restricted in my internet surfing/stalking of cute cat and JT videos. And I hate that it necessitates people to encourage me to do sketchy internet things to get around these issues of silly things like international borders/censorship because the German government/related cronies all want their fair chance to sink their dirty hands into the honey jar.

FFS, I want JT's video just so I can be like "Heh! This is totally Barney's theme song! LMFAO!" with the rest of the world.

Is that too much to ask?!

*For those overseas folk of you, GEMA is a nice system that technically exists to give artists of all kinds the royalties they deserve. This is questionable since GEMA apparently takes a nice slice of that pie. It is also completely annoying because the end result is Germany being more censored from internet awesomeness than communist China. For more news, you could search on the interwebbies and read for days!

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly: Yesterday After Work Edition

So, yesterday after work I went into the shopping district to buy some Salomon shoes. Why, you ask? Well, it seems that I'm giving in to the quasi-bullying I deal with every time I go to Allgäu. In a place where Salomon shoes are a way of life (For the grocery store! Work! Coffee!), my Vans encourage people to pointedly ask me when I'm just gonna give it up and get a pair of ridiculously expensive hiking shoes. (Because, apparently, were I to wear my hiking boots around, I'd immediately be marked as a poser-foreigner. Mountain-people can be so snobby.)

So, anyhoo, there's no fucking way I'm spending around 140 yoyos on shoes. I mean... If I was gonna spend 140 yoyos willingly and in one fell swoop, I'd spend it on books. If someone were to put a gun to my head and say "Buy shoes with your 140 yoyos," my first reaction would be, "Why are you holding a gun to my head and acting all serious saying yoyos, yo," and secondly, "Okay, then let's go to bargain Jumex and I'll go to town buying twelve to fourteen pairs of shoes for my hard-earned dough."

I have, however, decided to "give it up". I got my Salomon shoes all right... IN KID'S SIZE!

Here is the newest edition of "The Good, The Bad, The Ugly", where I would like to discuss my shopping experience of yesterday.

The Good:
Duh! Kid's shoes! I don't know who these ladies are who are buying their size 37 shoes in the women's department and not the children's. Yes, my shoes are that of a child's model. However, I fail to see how spending less than half of what I would were I to shop in the women's section is not f-ing amazing. Women with size 37 feet or smaller who are running around in women's shoes are not cool -- they're stupid. If they're so stupid they would rather spend an extra 100 yoyos on shoes "just so they're not the kids' version", they should probably spend another 100 yoyos on books.*

The Bad:
Don't get me wrong. I'm totally pumped that the days are getting longer. However, this whole dark-at-6:30 thing is weird. It's that weird in-between phase that makes me a little bit uncomfortable. It's like someone waving the carrot of summer in front of my nose, all the while with me knowing that summer is a long ways off. And, despite the extra two hours of sunlight, that it's still very much winter. This depresses me.

The Ugly:
Americans. I'm sorry. I'm even sorrier having to say this because I know most people who meet me or hear me speaking on the phone/to a friend in passing think I'm an American (PS, I hate you). You know what? I'd apply this to Canadians, too. We just sound so fucking stupid when we talk. Maybe I've just been living in the land of the disgruntled, direct German language for too long, or maybe it just stands out more in areas where English isn't the main language spoken, but frick we all sound like blundering idiots.

Exhibit one: Girl in a fur hat that made me think she was a twentieth-century channelling Russian at first glance. "Like, my parents paid soooo much for me to take the SAT's, you know? And if I, like, don't get into the top college that I really, reaaaaaaally want, I'll just be totally devastated. You seriously have no idea."

Exhibit two: Guys wandering behind me. Guy 1: "But, I mean, you probably don't have any problems fitting in here. You're a doctor for chrissakes." Guy 2: "I could totally just hang out with the expat crowd, but I really try to hang out with the locals. It makes the whole experience so much more authentic, you know?"

For some reason, when Germans talk about equally stupid things, it somehow doesn't come across so whiny and valley girl/surfer dude-like. It could be because everyone sounds so angry. Or because they don't speak so loudly.

Or it could be just me and the fact that, since I rarely hear English on a day-to-day basis, my ears pique to it immediately, only to regret it in about 3.5 seconds. (The ugliest fact of them all.)

*I'm not actually hatin' on people who can spend 140 yoyos on hiking shoes (which, unless you live in Allgäu or make monthly visits there, will maybe get used a maximum of three or four times per year tops). I'm insanely jealous. Those people should be saving their 200 yoyos (100 for what they saved by buying the kids pair and 100 for what I told them to use to buy books) and giving it to me. 

MUSLIM AFRICAN RE-ELECTED TO RUIN CHAMPION OF THE FREE WORLD *cough*

Thank you, majority of Americans, for giving me good news when I woke up. My liver thanks you in advance since I no longer have to start a rape-baby-gift-from-God-and-no-longer-in-the-binder-because-I'm-standing-in-the-kitchen drinking campaign.

PS -- I am fully aware of Obama's shortcomings. I don't actually like him as a president in the first place. But, in comparison to Mittens, well...

No, We're Not Actually Nice

This morning, whilst checking my news feed on Facebook, I got a little upset.

You see, a friend of mine has proclaimed love for the United States because of how friendly everyone is there.

(Dear friend: I'm not being a passive-aggressive Kraut by bitching about you on my blog behind your back. I really actually was going to write a condensed version of this on your post, but I figured that may have created quite the negative reaction. So there you go.)

We all like stereotypes. I know I like stereotypes. (Didya see my super-sneaky use of "passive-aggressive Kraut in the above paragraph?) Back in my days of Social Psych, before I finally got my head around the fact I suck at multiple-choice exams and thus would never make it successfully through a Psych degree, we learned all about how necessary for our tiny little pigeon brains it is to stereotype, since if our brains would overload and explode if they had to always process new information every time they came across it.

Or something to that effect.

But anyhoo, I am fully aware stereotypes are sometimes true, sometimes not true, sometimes wacky. But I digress.

Americans are not friendly, just like Canadians are not nice and Germans are not passive-aggressive (unless, of course, they are engaging in Nachbarkrieg... just some samples from distressed expats). I mean, some Americans are friendly, some Canadians are nice, and some Germans (damn skippy) are passive-aggressive.

From a Canadian (which, if you ask anyone except Canadians, may very well be taken as an American):

People aren't any nicer or friendlier in North America than they are elsewhere. They will, however, engage in copious amounts of small talk, smile a lot, and act overly polite when they mean anything otherwise. It's how we were raised.

Mother to Johnny: "Now, Johnny, that's not nice! Say you're sorry to the old man who stepped on your foot and complained about it! Wish him a nice day!"
Johnny to Old Man: "I'm sorry, Sir. I hope your day gets better." *through gritted teeth, wishing the old man nothing but a slow, painful death*

Okay, yeah, exaggeration, but whatevs.

Since we're gonna play the fun stereotype card today, I'll just come out and say that I actually like that most Germans don't get friendly-friendly with you right from the beginning. Then you know where you stand. If a German gets nice with you, you know that you've made a friend. In Canada/US, if someone starts getting snippy with you and being a general jerkface, you know you've made a friend because now you get to see what they're really like. I guess I've been gone long enough that, when I'm back home on vacation and a teller/cashier is nice to me, all they get is a bewildered look back that says, "Hey, dude, why are you smiling at me? I don't wanna be your friend!"

Okay, moral-of-the-story time.

Americans are not nicer than anyone else. They're just pretending to be. Don't be fooled by appearances. It's all just a different social game than over on the other side of the ocean, and it's a facade.

Thank you for your time.