Way Number EIGHT to FAIL as a Professor

Being over here in Germany without an Abi is a sure-fire way to make sure your options for getting an undergraduate education are pretty limited. As it stands, I have the options of UMUC, AMU, or University of Phoenix. (Does anyone actually even go there??) I am more than well aware that I was accepted to a much better university in Canada before I decided to move over here. So UMUC it is, knowing that it's only a stepping stone to my graduate education. I'll take what I can get. But still. The university says it's trying to better its reputation. But all I see is ways they're making things worse. Be it ridiculous tuition fee increases that beat out schools that are actually well-respected, or the hiring of douche-bag professors (although every college has 'em), UMUC really isn't doing much controlling to make sure their professors are any good.

Last semester, it was the douche of "Way number seven to FAIL as a professor" who introduced me to the fact many teachers are really lazy. They steal their quizzes from the textbook web-sites complete with the same answers... in the same order. They don't even change the numbers to alter the calculations. Because that would be too HARD and TIME CONSUMING. I wonder if students actually realise this. I'm thinking not, seeing as my last douche Economics professor and this new douche keep berating half the class for their failing grades. Do people not Google the quiz questions to see if they can find any help outside the textbook?

Lucky for me in this class, I've already done most of the work in high school. I didn't have a problem with the quizzes thus far. In fact, this quiz still wasn't really much trouble, except for one question. So I went Google-hunting. And what did I find?

Companion web-site.

I'll be honest. I'm one of those people that is so non-cheating that I'll actually do my quiz without consulting the companion site first because I don't want to be screwed up the butt on the midterm and final exams when I find out I never actually learned the material. But I would be an idiot not to check my answers on the quiz to make sure they're right.

I can't believe it took me half the semester to realise that this professor was being a lazy-ass douche, just like my Economics professor. And notice how I'm not yet revealing what class this is? I'll do it after I get my grades... But seriously.

Here it is.

Way Number EIGHT to FAIL as a Professor:

Being a lazy-ass bastard does not equate to being a good professor. I could care less if you've got a PhD. You're lazy, and obviously just teaching the class for the easy money. Copy and paste from the companion site? Sure. After all, since you've already got that lovely doctorate, who cares? You did that whole part of being original in your thesis. Why be original for a bunch of arts students who are working on their lowly degrees? After all, they're all caught up in the realm of "thought" and don't have anything relevant to offer the world, anyway.

But that doesn't mean we're stupid. You're lazy. And copy/pasting does NOT equal teaching. Get off your ass and actually give us something other than the text and your stupid companion site. I don't care if you make a crappy wage. Do the work you're paid to do. If you don't like it, go somewhere else.

Way Number Seven to FAIL as a Professor

Alas, my friends. Tales of crappy professors didn't end with the muppet from last semester. I've got a new one this semester, and he really enjoys just basking in his muppet-like glory of assigning a butt load of work and then screwing off, unable to help you.

Now, for purposes of quasi-anonymity, I won't reveal the secret of which class this is. But I'll give you a hint: it has concepts that I don't understand. And I promise, it's not because I'm a douche. I had an easier time with Pure Math 30 than this garbage. And I suck at math. And the kicker is, the prof won't take any time to explain or elaborate on any mistakes. Rather, it's a case of "figure it out for yourself."

So...

Way number seven to FAIL as a professor:

7. It pisses me off that you don't give a crap. Seriously, dude. I want to actually learn this subject you supposedly love. Share the love. I want some. Don't brush me off. I'm not in this class to screw around; I'm here to learn. So, don't be such a dick-head. Please.

I think this is it. I'm creating a satellite blog all about douche-bag professors. Stay tuned.

Way Number Six to FAIL as a Professor

Yes, you heard right. I'm going on a complaining binge again today!

So, the winner for World's Favourite Professor just upped the ante yesterday when he finally returned my term paper. I got 87%. If you know me, you will know this is cause for a full-blown panic attack. Yeh, you heard right. I'm the girl that almost cried because I got 102% on a Chemistry exam out of a possible 104%. Yes, I know.

Anyhoo, you know why I only received that grade? Because a bunch of my information was false. Where did I get this information, you ask? From a web-page perhaps? Au contraire, my friends. I found this wonderful information in my textbook. Yes, my professor not only told me that the information in the assigned text was COMPLETELY false, but that I should've known better. My heart rate is rising again just thinking about it.

And so here it is: Way #6 to FAIL as a Professor:

6. Sometimes textbooks print inaccurate information. Cool. Nothing new there. But if you're asking us to write a paper on a specific topic, it may help to mention that the text is inaccurate. Especially when it's inaccurate in such a way that it somehow still corresponded to the information I found in scholarly journals. I'm not a mind reader. I'm also not a PhD student that "should've known better." If you think a text is full of baloney, don't assign it. Seriously.

It's my sincere hope that my "Ways to FAIL as a Professor" end with this douche. For some reason, though, I have a feeling I may end up adding to it in the future. I also have a sneaking suspicion I may add to the list once I get my final exam and final grade back. Who knows? Maybe I'll make it into a series, or something. It's a good thing this was only a 100-level requirement and not some 400-level history class to take right before graduation, though. Because then this would REALLY suck.

Five Ways to FAIL as a Professor

I know you get it at every university: retarded professors. But some really just take the cake, like one of my professors from this past semester. Here goes:

1. Identifications are an important part of the class. Cool. But please don't give us an identification that has different meanings depending on the time period. And if you do, please hint at which time period you're thinking of. When your class covers the events spanning a couple of millennia, don't give me a zero, saying I "picked the wrong date." You didn't give me anything to work off of.

2. I appreciate you giving us hints as to what's on the final. I really do. But please don't say to study a certain group of things and then say we don't need the other stuff. Then, you go and put that 'other stuff' on the exam. Lying isn't funny. Maybe it was an amateur mistake on my part, trusting the professor. Lesson learned. But in all honesty, I'd much rather you say "learn it all." Because then I WILL learn it all.

3. I get that you fall ill and have computer troubles. So do I. So does everyone else. But you, the professor, are weeks behind on everything. If you want us to keep up with the class, you should keep up, too.

4. If our reading is from pages 400-450 and you say the questions are from pages 400-450, please don't have the questions coming from pages 280 and 630. Yes, I can go to those pages to find what I need to answer your questions. But it goes back to that lying thing. I don't like it.

5. Please do not drag our semester into the next semester. My next classes start on Monday. I do not need to be catching up on work that can be done before this date. Participation isn't just me speaking my piece, but responding to others. If they don't do their part by Monday, I can't finish mine. And I'd much rather be moving on with my life.